Balancing Excitement and Fear

  I met my best friend for lunch last week.  She says "you look terrible."  How appropriate that I should LOOK exactly the way I FEEL!!  I'm not sleeping, my head hurts, my joints ache, all I want to do is sleep....
   "I think I'm coming down with something, maybe the flu."
   "But you had your flu shot."
   "I guess it didn't work"
   She rolled her eyes and suggests: "Maybe you're pregnant?  You've been off for awhile, and grumpy as hell!"
  "You and I both know I'm not pregnant."
   "Yeah.  You should go see a doctor though, something is definitely wrong with you!  Get a physical, some blood work, SOMETHING!"  We proceed to discuss the sad options for medical care available to us as nurses in this town and I agree to go see a Nurse Practitioner that she thinks highly of.  I take the rest of my lunch to go because all I really want to do is disappear into my bed for an hour.....or 18. 
   On my way home, there was an accident that backed traffic up about a quarter of a mile.  I sat stopped at the driveway to CVS, too tired to be sitting and not sleeping; so, I pull in to the parking lot and decide to go in and look for Christmas decorations.  While I'm there I feel pushed to buy a pregnancy test. A little back story:  I don't need pregnancy tests.  I can't get pregnant without outside assistance, and the 3 times I have managed to get pregnant, I did not stay that way for long.  I don't think I could stand another loss, and I absolutely LOVE the idea of adoption, so as far as family planning goes.....My intentions were to start growing mine in another 2 to 3 years.  Anyway, I buy the test.  My brain justifies it with "at least you can tell that Nurse Practitioner that you are definitely NOT pregnant, and it'll be cheaper than paying for it in her office!"
   I got home and took the test, a bright, blue PLUS showed up before I was even finished TAKING the test!  My other positive pregnancy tests were such faint positives, I had to get other people to confirm that I wasn't just wishing a line there.  After almost 12 years of wanting nothing more than THIS, I DO NOT have a favorable reaction.  I'm hit with immediate panic, I burst into tears and start to hyperventilate.

 

  I've always imagined that in this moment, I would stay cool, think up (read: steal from pinterest!) a creative and adorable way to tell my guy that he's gonna be a Daddy, then execute said plan within a few days. 

Disappointingly, I did no such thing.  I called my fiancé on the phone: "Where are you?"
   "Midas, getting the car inspected."
   "Oh good.  How long until they can see you?"
   "I don't know, I just got here."
  "Ok, would you mind just coming home then please?"
  "If you need me to...."
   "Yes."
  I scared the poor man half to death.  I couldn't even speak when he got home.  I met him hysterical in the driveway, test in hand.  He forgot his worry for me ever so briefly, and I swear, I've never seen a happier human being in my whole life!  "I'm gonna be a DAD?!?!?!  I've gotta sell the motorcycle!  I've gotta start saving for college! I've gotta sweep.....a baby can't crawl around on a dirty floor!"

   "HOLD UP!  No ones crawling anywhere for about 2 years!  Slow down!  We don't even know if I can keep it in there!"  We sat down on the kitchen floor holding each other and praying.  Praying for that baby to hang on and grow strong; and thanking God for blessing us in so many ways in such a short time.  I am looking forward to this new adventure, I get to share it with the most incredible human being I've ever met, and I am so thankful as we come into this season of Thanksgiving!  God is good.  His timing is perfect.  I have no idea why He considers me special enough to look out for me the way that He has.....lots of women have babies with lousy men.  Lots of children have broken families.  I thought my miscarriages were curses, that I'd done something wrong and was somehow unworthy of motherhood.  I was wrong.  I was being protected.  I was being saved for my partner.  My children were being saved from unhealthy marriages, abusive and deceitful situations, and divorced parents.  My cup runneth over!!!

 

Don't let the tough times beat you down, get on your knees and pray to The One who knows your heart, and knows the plan for your life, and who will bring you through to the other side where things will be better than you ever imagined they could be!

-Keep Smiling and God Bless!