Amazing Grace

   Life is hard.  Everyone knows that.  What has become apparent to me is that mine has been exceptionally hard, and that's mostly my own doing.  I take the long way, the more difficult way, I invest all of my time, my heart, and my soul into things or people that are not worthy of that caliber of effort from anyone, but certainly not from me. I'm stubborn.  Some people would tell you this is a character strength of mine, others would tell you it is my worst weakness; however, no one would disagree that it's there.  I've spent a lot of adult years making very bad choices, and ignoring that fact while I throw my entire being into proving that that particular decision WAS NOT a bad one.  I hurt a lot of people. My friends, my family, I completely demolished my entire support system at one point.  All the while I told myself: "I'm strong enough to be without them, they'll see in time that I was right and come back around." Well, I AM NOT strong enough to be without them, and they did come back around, but because they love me, not because I deserved it. 

  I'm going to be a Mother this summer, and I can't imagine watching my child go through the things my family watched me go through.  The heartbreak and pain that must have caused the people who only wanted to see me settled, successful, and HAPPY.  It's a terrifying thought.  If my baby has even a shred of my strength and stubbornness, I, undoubtedly will have some hurting of my own to do on his/her behalf.  I suppose that is the blessing and the curse of parenting.  You are given this perfect little life, to nurture and protect, and love, but your heart is never entirely your own again and when that happens, there will be certain suffering at times.

   I'm getting married this week.  Yes, I've been down this road before.  Yes my support system has been down this road before.  But, it's not the same road.  Nothing looks the same, nothing feels the same.  It isn't just me who feels differently....everyone does.  They're happy, they're excited, they're supportive!  My mother bought a fancy gown, dressy shoes, and sparkly jewelry.....I told her: "Mom, you don't have to go all out!  It's just a day, and it's not like we haven't been here before."
She replied: "We haven't!  You've finally gotten it right, and I'm gonna DRESS UP for it!!"
I've had no stress over this day, no writers block when it came time to write my vows.  On the contrary, I had so much to say I had to cut it way back and just pick out the highlights so our ceremony would end the same day it began.  I have so many good things to say, so much love pouring out of me for this man and his family and the family we're growing. He's not perfect, no one is, and some days are still hard.....REALLY HARD, but he makes putting the effort in easier, and getting through the harder days rewarding instead of filling an obligation.  I have shed all of my bitterness and resentment....these were things I thought were permanent parts of my personality; things I thought someone would have to learn to love or at least learn to tolerate about me in order to be happy with me.  I was wrong.  That person wasn't me.  I was trying so hard to force my life in directions it wasn't ever supposed to go that it damaged my soul.

   I have been protected.  I have been saved.  I survived the hells I threw myself into, climbed out and somehow was made whole again.  I don't know why I deserve this, I don't know what makes me that special when I know God has much bigger and more important things to worry about.  But, I am overflowing with love and gratitude, and excitement for my own life.  I cannot wait to be the wife I was always intended to be, I cannot wait to be the mother I thought I'd never get to be.  I am so blessed.  It may sound redundant, or cliché, but the words of the most popular hymn ever written are just flowing through my heart tonight.  I know why it's such a loved hymn.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me,
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

 

T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.

 

Through many dangers, toils and snares...
I have already come.
Tis Grace has brought me safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.

 

The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.

 

When we've been there ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
than when we've first begun.

 

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

 

Keep Smiling and God Bless!