Life Coaching VS. Empathy

  Good Morning! It's 3AM as I write this.  I had forgotten about my little adventure into blogging until tonight.  Upon being reminded, I took a stroll down memory lane and was quite entertained by my own musings; that, and the fact that I remembered my PASSWORD!! I was also reminded about how much I enjoyed utilizing this particular creative outlet and thought I might try to pick it back up.
   It's been over two years since my last post and, man oh man, has life been crazy, busy, fast, loud, full, and LOVELY!  I contemplated what to write about for a solid 6.5 minutes where I tried to compress the highlights of the last two years and I successfully overwhelmed myself.  My coworker and I are having an unusually _____________ (insert appropriate, but unutterable adjective here due to the superstitious beliefs of most night nurses) night and she is planning to move out of state in a few short weeks to be closer to her boyfriend who is allergic to her dog.

She is making a list of what to pack, what to buy, etc... and she says "I found a futon I like that doesn't cost a fortune, it's leather so I can keep dog hair off of it, I also found a pet hair removal system with great reviews, and a furniture cover that is fleece-like and supposed to be resistant to hair and waterproof!"  She proceeds to try to talk herself out of these things: "Is it too much? Am I overspending?"
   "It's only overspending if you can't afford it." I replied.
   She turned to me wide-eyed and smiling and said "KIM! I think I need you to be my life coach!"  I laugh, but not really because this is the second time someone has said exactly this to me in the last two days!  What is a life coach anyway??  Are they useful?  Is it a real profession?  Does it PAY WELL???  What makes one qualified to coach the life of another?  I have a lot of life experience, I've traveled, I have three degrees, I am an advanced practice RN, I've been skydiving, I've been married and divorced, I'm a mom, I've trained dogs and horses, I've tricked children into eating vegetables and they LIKED it, I've loved, I've lost, I've made big mistakes, I've hurt more people than I care to think about....perhaps I could've benefited from a life coach!  But does any of that mean I should actually BE one? 

   Offering insight so that someone might consider the feelings of another hardly seems like a talent.  Making an off handed observation that a person would probably have managed on his/her own eventually isn't a skill.  Reassuring a brilliant, perfectly competent, and kind human being that she IS in fact good enough, strong enough, capable enough to do the scary things she imagines is more of a thing that a friend does than a "life coach" isn't it?  I am good at reserving judgement, and sometimes avoiding judging at all.  I also have a high level of empathy and can often consider how my own actions or words might affect another.  I am capable of identifying opinion and allowing it to simply be that; it is not necessary for everyone in my path, life, social circle, or work environment to be like minded to myself.  I appreciate different views, but realize that when it comes to opinions, no one is going to change theirs simply because mine isn't the same so it's better to hear them, acknowledge them, and in the event I disagree, to shut my mouth and let them go.  Perhaps that is the difficulty for most, in the age where social media seems to rule, we forget that people are the most important things.  Their hearts, their souls, not whether they are right or wrong, not whether or not we agree with each other all the time.  In the last two days, I have made two people feel better, happier, stronger, and safer in their own decision making and problem solving skills.....It wasn't difficult.  It did not require the use of any of my college degrees.  If that's a life coach, then I am proud to be one, and I encourage all of us to pursue our inner life coaches for ourselves and all the lives we could potentially touch. 

#BackOnTheWagon #DoUntoOthers #WalkAMileInTheirShoes

Keep Smiling and God Bless! 

Amazing Grace

   Life is hard.  Everyone knows that.  What has become apparent to me is that mine has been exceptionally hard, and that's mostly my own doing.  I take the long way, the more difficult way, I invest all of my time, my heart, and my soul into things or people that are not worthy of that caliber of effort from anyone, but certainly not from me. I'm stubborn.  Some people would tell you this is a character strength of mine, others would tell you it is my worst weakness; however, no one would disagree that it's there.  I've spent a lot of adult years making very bad choices, and ignoring that fact while I throw my entire being into proving that that particular decision WAS NOT a bad one.  I hurt a lot of people. My friends, my family, I completely demolished my entire support system at one point.  All the while I told myself: "I'm strong enough to be without them, they'll see in time that I was right and come back around." Well, I AM NOT strong enough to be without them, and they did come back around, but because they love me, not because I deserved it. 

  I'm going to be a Mother this summer, and I can't imagine watching my child go through the things my family watched me go through.  The heartbreak and pain that must have caused the people who only wanted to see me settled, successful, and HAPPY.  It's a terrifying thought.  If my baby has even a shred of my strength and stubbornness, I, undoubtedly will have some hurting of my own to do on his/her behalf.  I suppose that is the blessing and the curse of parenting.  You are given this perfect little life, to nurture and protect, and love, but your heart is never entirely your own again and when that happens, there will be certain suffering at times.

   I'm getting married this week.  Yes, I've been down this road before.  Yes my support system has been down this road before.  But, it's not the same road.  Nothing looks the same, nothing feels the same.  It isn't just me who feels differently....everyone does.  They're happy, they're excited, they're supportive!  My mother bought a fancy gown, dressy shoes, and sparkly jewelry.....I told her: "Mom, you don't have to go all out!  It's just a day, and it's not like we haven't been here before."
She replied: "We haven't!  You've finally gotten it right, and I'm gonna DRESS UP for it!!"
I've had no stress over this day, no writers block when it came time to write my vows.  On the contrary, I had so much to say I had to cut it way back and just pick out the highlights so our ceremony would end the same day it began.  I have so many good things to say, so much love pouring out of me for this man and his family and the family we're growing. He's not perfect, no one is, and some days are still hard.....REALLY HARD, but he makes putting the effort in easier, and getting through the harder days rewarding instead of filling an obligation.  I have shed all of my bitterness and resentment....these were things I thought were permanent parts of my personality; things I thought someone would have to learn to love or at least learn to tolerate about me in order to be happy with me.  I was wrong.  That person wasn't me.  I was trying so hard to force my life in directions it wasn't ever supposed to go that it damaged my soul.

   I have been protected.  I have been saved.  I survived the hells I threw myself into, climbed out and somehow was made whole again.  I don't know why I deserve this, I don't know what makes me that special when I know God has much bigger and more important things to worry about.  But, I am overflowing with love and gratitude, and excitement for my own life.  I cannot wait to be the wife I was always intended to be, I cannot wait to be the mother I thought I'd never get to be.  I am so blessed.  It may sound redundant, or cliché, but the words of the most popular hymn ever written are just flowing through my heart tonight.  I know why it's such a loved hymn.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me,
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

 

T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.

 

Through many dangers, toils and snares...
I have already come.
Tis Grace has brought me safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.

 

The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.

 

When we've been there ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
than when we've first begun.

 

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

 

Keep Smiling and God Bless!

 



Balancing Excitement and Fear

  I met my best friend for lunch last week.  She says "you look terrible."  How appropriate that I should LOOK exactly the way I FEEL!!  I'm not sleeping, my head hurts, my joints ache, all I want to do is sleep....
   "I think I'm coming down with something, maybe the flu."
   "But you had your flu shot."
   "I guess it didn't work"
   She rolled her eyes and suggests: "Maybe you're pregnant?  You've been off for awhile, and grumpy as hell!"
  "You and I both know I'm not pregnant."
   "Yeah.  You should go see a doctor though, something is definitely wrong with you!  Get a physical, some blood work, SOMETHING!"  We proceed to discuss the sad options for medical care available to us as nurses in this town and I agree to go see a Nurse Practitioner that she thinks highly of.  I take the rest of my lunch to go because all I really want to do is disappear into my bed for an hour.....or 18. 
   On my way home, there was an accident that backed traffic up about a quarter of a mile.  I sat stopped at the driveway to CVS, too tired to be sitting and not sleeping; so, I pull in to the parking lot and decide to go in and look for Christmas decorations.  While I'm there I feel pushed to buy a pregnancy test. A little back story:  I don't need pregnancy tests.  I can't get pregnant without outside assistance, and the 3 times I have managed to get pregnant, I did not stay that way for long.  I don't think I could stand another loss, and I absolutely LOVE the idea of adoption, so as far as family planning goes.....My intentions were to start growing mine in another 2 to 3 years.  Anyway, I buy the test.  My brain justifies it with "at least you can tell that Nurse Practitioner that you are definitely NOT pregnant, and it'll be cheaper than paying for it in her office!"
   I got home and took the test, a bright, blue PLUS showed up before I was even finished TAKING the test!  My other positive pregnancy tests were such faint positives, I had to get other people to confirm that I wasn't just wishing a line there.  After almost 12 years of wanting nothing more than THIS, I DO NOT have a favorable reaction.  I'm hit with immediate panic, I burst into tears and start to hyperventilate.

 

  I've always imagined that in this moment, I would stay cool, think up (read: steal from pinterest!) a creative and adorable way to tell my guy that he's gonna be a Daddy, then execute said plan within a few days. 

Disappointingly, I did no such thing.  I called my fiancé on the phone: "Where are you?"
   "Midas, getting the car inspected."
   "Oh good.  How long until they can see you?"
   "I don't know, I just got here."
  "Ok, would you mind just coming home then please?"
  "If you need me to...."
   "Yes."
  I scared the poor man half to death.  I couldn't even speak when he got home.  I met him hysterical in the driveway, test in hand.  He forgot his worry for me ever so briefly, and I swear, I've never seen a happier human being in my whole life!  "I'm gonna be a DAD?!?!?!  I've gotta sell the motorcycle!  I've gotta start saving for college! I've gotta sweep.....a baby can't crawl around on a dirty floor!"

   "HOLD UP!  No ones crawling anywhere for about 2 years!  Slow down!  We don't even know if I can keep it in there!"  We sat down on the kitchen floor holding each other and praying.  Praying for that baby to hang on and grow strong; and thanking God for blessing us in so many ways in such a short time.  I am looking forward to this new adventure, I get to share it with the most incredible human being I've ever met, and I am so thankful as we come into this season of Thanksgiving!  God is good.  His timing is perfect.  I have no idea why He considers me special enough to look out for me the way that He has.....lots of women have babies with lousy men.  Lots of children have broken families.  I thought my miscarriages were curses, that I'd done something wrong and was somehow unworthy of motherhood.  I was wrong.  I was being protected.  I was being saved for my partner.  My children were being saved from unhealthy marriages, abusive and deceitful situations, and divorced parents.  My cup runneth over!!!

 

Don't let the tough times beat you down, get on your knees and pray to The One who knows your heart, and knows the plan for your life, and who will bring you through to the other side where things will be better than you ever imagined they could be!

-Keep Smiling and God Bless!

Back To School

   I've always said "I'll have a Master's Degree".  I spent many years not knowing what I wanted it in, or thinking I wanted it in a certain specialty and then realizing that it's not for me, or starting a program and then having to withdraw for whatever pressing issue that was keeping me from my education.

   My original plan was to become a Certified Nurse Midwife.  I love pregnancy, I love the labor and delivery process, and I LOVE my job as a labor and delivery nurse.  The only thing that could make it better is if I were allowed to actually perform those deliveries (with the exception of 31 fast moving fetuses who were disinterested in waiting for a doctor!). So, of course becoming a Nurse Midwife was the answer.  I realized, however, that my affinity for the night time hours would be in for a rude awakening in that position.  I had not considered, during all my daydreams about catching babies all night, that I would also be working AT LEAST 9-5 in an office, performing THOUSANDS of pap smears, and dealing with sexual education and contraception the majority of the time.  This revelation significantly dropped my enthusiasm level regarding the pathway to Midwifery. 

  A few years later, inspiration struck again; Certified Registered Nurse Anesthetist!  What an incredible thought, and why the heck hadn't I thought it sooner?  I LOVE scrubbing and first assisting in the Operating Room, I'm completely fascinated with epidural placement, not to mention....THE MONEY!!!  They start out at $126,000 a year!!  I made plans to be able to survive without a full time job for two years, I was accepted into one of the top three most competitive programs in the United States, and then I shadowed a CRNA for a day.  It was DEVASTATING!!  The day was spent mostly in scheduled OR cases, and pre-operative interviews.  My patients were all SLEEPING!  (NOT, that that's always a bad thing, mind you!) But hours and hours just sitting, watching monitors!  It was awful.....then, when things finally took a turn toward the adrenaline producing excitement that I had originally thought soaked this profession, it was an ICU patient that NO ONE else could get intubated!  The MD had failed, respiratory had failed, so they call the BIG GUNS.....me?  Hmmmm.....that might be more adrenaline than I'd bargained for.  Can't I just run around giving laboring women their epidurals?  I wish to be a "Labor Epidural-ologist".  Much to my dismay, this is not actually a thing.  Back I went to the Masters Degree drawing board.

   About a year ago, I felt the call toward teaching.  I thought I would really enjoy sharing my 13 years of experience and knowledge with new nurses (especially those with a passion for labor and delivery).  I spent some time in mediation and prayer about it, and continued to feel a resounding "YES" within my soul.  In April I began my journey towards a Master's Degree in Nursing Education thinking I'd teach at the BSN level.  In the 3 classes I've finished already, I've discovered that my inclination towards that may also have been wrong.  Happily, I have discovered a position called "Clinical Nurse Educator".  Here I can maintain my skills within Labor and Delivery WHILE teaching other staff members about it!  New hires, new policies and procedures to existing staff members etc...the hours appear to be better, the pay is better and the thought of it is making me so incredibly excited about life and my chosen career path!  It's funny how we envision our lives going one way, and then as they unfold before us, paths we'd never even considered reveal themselves to us if we pay attention and look for them! 

    I used to joke that I was "bad" at listening for God's input in my life.  I'm stubborn, and generally want what I want, WHEN I want it (I'm sure many of you can relate!).  This awareness of myself spurred me to begin praying for God to "beat me over the head with a nail-studded 2x4".  I told Him that His still, small voice probably would never make it to my eardrums as long as I was busy doing my own thing.  It turns out that I was right about that.  It also turns out that God HAS a nail-studded 2x4!  I am so grateful. I am so blessed.

Keep Smiling, and God Bless!

Facebook: Friend or Foe?

  I have a Facebook account.  Me, and about a billion other people.  I've found lately that I don't have much use for it.  Sure, there are those I truly wish to remain in contact with, and who's day to day happenings are important to me.  However, there are also those who use social media to whine, accuse, vent, make inappropriate political/cultural/religious statements, or just spread a general sense of negativity; but hey, that's all part and parcel of the whole "freedom of speech" gig.  I'm perfectly comfortable reading the musings of those I disagree with, whether I find myself amused or disgusted or anywhere in between doesn't matter, we don't all have to agree with each other on things....even important things.  My issue is: why do we have to be UGLY with the people we disagree with?  How is that effective, useful, or an improvement to life?

   I started a journey to rid my life of negativity awhile back.  This is no easy feat for me!  I have been nicknamed "Eeyore" more than once over the course of my almost 35  years!  I tend toward the negative, pessimistic outlook of things and it never did me any favors.  People became less likely to want to get to know me or spend time with me, I always felt like the world was a sad, dreary place and no amount of silver-lining talk could convince me that life could be GOOD, and fulfilling, and HAPPY.  I also believed that to be everyone else's fault, SURPRISE!  It was MY fault!  This journey began with a joy journal (which I have blogged about before) a friend of mine gave me for Christmas in 2009.  I started using it occasionally, but was often too sad or too busy to be bothered with it.  I began making a real effort in 2011, lost steam in 2012, re-committed to it in late 2014 and am still writing in it daily.  Forcing myself to find AT LEAST 3 things that I am happy about or grateful for every day NO MATTER WHAT has worked miracles in my outlook on life.  I've also learned that said outlook has NOTHING to do with anyone or anything else, just me.  My attitude, my reaction to the universe and the happenings within it, and where I choose to place my focus.

  SO, back to the facebook conundrum....I find myself on it less and less.  My newsfeed often ranges from boring at best, to mean, ugly, and hurtful at worst.  That kind of reel is not helping me keep my focus where it belongs.  It drags me out into the mud of the social media world and affects my day negatively.  I've learned it's ok to defriend and block people who are habitual offenders of bringing one's newsfeed down.  I've also learned that, there are people we cannot defriend without causing work/familial issues; however, facebook has installed this awesome little "unfollow" button!  Voila! Ugly newsfeed hidden, and the other user is none the wiser!

   I would like to challenge all of you to post something positive, uplifting, or motivational on your feeds today.  Brighten up Facebook!  I wish I had done this 24 hours ago, because my newsfeed is remarkably positive today....to that I say: High Five Facebook Friends! Keep it up!!  I am impressed and excited to be reading your stories!  Here are a couple of links to some of the awesome stories I've seen today:

http://www.pixable.com/article/jockey-saves-jockey-from-fall-video-54194?utm_content=inf_10_85_2&utm_medium=partner&utm_source=facebook&utm_campaign=pixsesocial&ts_pid=2

http://faves.com/story/this-a-cappella-performance-of-amazing-grace-is-absolutely-breathtaking/0Uo5iVfoQ4LZ6BXg.01

Keep Smiling, and God Bless!

5 - 3 - 1

    "5-3-1" That's the secret to being happy.  That's how you take a foul mood and a bad attitude and change it for the better.  I heard it talked about on the radio the other day and it sounded a bit hokey to be honest.  I was wrong.  This isn't even a tool you have to employ more than once to feel a difference!  The next time you're feeling crummy, negative, or like throwing a pity party for whatever you believe is not going right in your life, give it a try. 
   5:  Take five minutes for yourself.  Do some controlled, deep breathing, take a quick mini-vacation in your brain, try a brief guided imagery session.....whatever!  As long as it breaks your over-active thinking (or sulking) pattern.  Abandon everything that is upsetting you or dragging you down and just relax.  Focus on the air in your lungs, the sun in the sky, the music on the radio, or the most beautiful place on earth that you keep stashed away in the back of your head for moments such as these.

   3:  Identify and either verbalize or write down three GOOD things in your life right now.  Three things you are thankful for in this very moment.  There are days when this is more difficult than others, but there are ALWAYS three things to be thankful for.  Is the weather nice?  Do you have gas in your car?  Shoes on your feet?  A steady paycheck?  A dog who's happy to see you?  Anything, so long as it's positive and focused on real gratitude.

   1:   This is the one that caught me off guard, this is the one I questioned.  Do one thing for someone else.  It doesn't have to be something big; compliment someone, hold a door, pay for the coffee of the next guy in line, SMILE at someone.....be creative!  After you've completed your good deed, pray for that person.  Thank God that you have the ability to bring joy to another and ask Him to be with that person through whatever he/she is dealing with today.  You don't have to know details to pray for someone else.  Here's a link to another blog post about praying for strangers that I just love: http://biblelovenotes.blogspot.com/2013/10/Path-Prayer.html

   I have had this improve my mood every time I've tried it.  I started today in a good mood because I went ahead and did these things before I had a chance to feel badly.  I woke up, and took 5 minutes to meditate and pray, then I wrote in my joy journal.....I came up with significantly more than 3 things I'm grateful for, but it's a minimum guideline and I've challenged myself to see how long it takes me to come up with 1,000 things I'm thankful for. On my way into Wawa, for my coffee, I held the door for a little girl and her grandmother, the girl looked up and just beamed!  See? not a big deal!  And, my day became much brighter. 

   There are actual research studies showing that if a person focuses on 3 things he/she is thankful for or happy about 2 hours or less before going to bed it completely changes the brain's patterns.  This little trick isn't as instantaneous as "5-3-1", they say you have to do it consistently for 30 days, but that it has the same effect as an anti-depressant.  Can't hurt to try it right?? I've already made it (mostly) a habit, I am by nature, a fairly negative person and I can attest to the fact that I am much less so now than ever before in my life.  Something as simple as gratitude can truly change everything if  you just let it!

                                                                                                        Keep Smiling, and God Bless!

Always Find the Strength to Trust Love...One More Time

  I promised myself as a child that I would only get married once.  That I would only ever be with one man....THE man who was destined to be with me for the entirety of my life.  I also promised myself that if the man I chose turned out to be the WRONG man, I would suck it up, work it out, and make it happen.  It turns out, that A. life is messy, and B. being intrinsically unhappy after making a poor choice in life partner is a lot more difficult in practice than in theory.

  I've been married twice.  I've been divorced twice.  I'm newly engaged to an incredible man.  A man who knows every bit of my soul, who "gets" me, who is not afraid of my past or the ghosts that sometimes haunt me, and most importantly, a man of God.  This was my "A-HA!" moment.  THIS is the thing that was missing the other two times around.  I had convinced myself that having a life partner with a different belief system than that of my own was not a big deal.  We had things in common, we cared deeply about one another, we enjoyed each other.....we didn't have to agree on God....right?  WAY. WRONG.  Without God, where does one lean when life gets hard?  Whom does one go to for comfort when life gets scary? A husband? A wife? Yes.....but, what if your husband or your wife is dealing with his/her own ugly, scary, or difficult?  What if you both need a safe place to fall?  What if you're so caught up in your own messy brain that you are simply incapable of being the rock your spouse needs at that time? 

   I thought that my faith was good enough and strong enough for me and anyone else I needed it for.  I sustained two marriages ALONE; and obviously, not for very long.  I grew tired, and overwhelmed, I began to feel unappreciated and used.  In the end, both situations became physically, emotionally, and/or financially abusive.   None of that had anything to do with the strength of my faith.  I could have stayed in either situation, and I could have kept my promise to myself, but I'd have been doing myself a huge disservice.  God had a man in mind for me.  My job was to wait for him....and if I've failed, my failure was in rushing to marry men who were never intended for me in the first place.  I allowed sadness, fear, and the desire for a family to make my decisions rather than my heart and my God.

   The take away points I think are:  It IS important to keep promises made to yourself.
                                                          It is also ok to break them if they don't line up with God's plan.
                                                          A relationship with God IS the most important one.
                                                           It's ok if your life is a little messy.

                                                                                               Keep Smiling, and God Bless!